My blogs are always separated by many months,but I'm always funny as fuck, so don't complain.
I'm living in Chicago now, attending Columbia, and to say that I feel as if I've stepped into Art School Confidential is an understatement. Given, I won't be going to jail anytime soon, at least not for anything I'm aware of, but it all still seems a bit surreal. This place is full of unusual characters, a lot of them assholes, a lot of them stupid, but the majority of them too high too even know what continent they are on. I've thankfully found a small niche were my loud, vulgar, non-politically correct personality fits in. But the world needs to be aware of these people, their characteristics, their daily patterns, their....mating rituals. You all must be aware of them, so when you must, unfortunately, encounter one of these characters, you will be able to keep yourself safe, and you will easily be able to get yourself out of awkward conversations about their bands or jam out sessions.
THE HIPSTER:
How to spot: This character will be wearing plaid,stockings,Circa Survive t-shirts.
Drink of choice: $70 tea bags, and presuming that one of these creatures is old enough to get into a club, they will be drinking some green tea and vodka mixed drink.
Career/Job Options: Hot Topic, and Urban Outfitters is probably as far as they will go. But remember, both of these places drug test.
In Depth: The Hipsters are presently a plague upon the earth. The walk around critiquing the awesome jam band session they had the previous night with their friends, Mr. Trust Fund, Mr. Salvia and Ms. Pierced Fish. They most commonly use phrases like; "Yeah, man, I mean wow. Wow man. I mean wow." Also, "So, I was thinking about getting a job at Urban Outfitters, I just...i just need to get my life together man, and I think I can change the world." They are here because they feel they can change the world with their paintings and poetry. Yeah, right.
THE PIERCED FISH
How to spot: This character will have at minimum 16 piercings in their face, and then another 10 under the hood. They presently are not allowed to travel by plane because most of the time, they are not willing to remove the bolts in their heads.
Drink of Choice: Most of these people believe they are bad asses, as they drink things such as; Absinthe, Vodka from odd shaped bottles, and drinks that have names like Pierced Testicles, and Bleeding Vag.
Career Options: None
In Depth: I'm pierced and gauged, so it might seem unusual that I throw stones on this matter, but I keep my adornments hidden most of the time. These folks bare them all, and wear them proudly. However, many lack the ability to actually clean their piercings, so most of them smell like fish. These are people that love their holes so much they all gather together in little piercing clubs, where they talk about their piercings, how much they hurt, and who awesome they look. Whats humorous is when they try to group together in a cramped night club, like Neo or at Dante's on Vampire night. They all have so many hoops and bars that they usually get stuck together, making them easy to spot. And also, since they are all connected by this point it saves gas when they all have to go to the unemployment office.
THE SOCIAL REJECT:
How to spot: Torn, tattered old clothing, un-kept hair, ballet flats.
Drink of choice: Whatever mommy pours them.
Career options: None
In Depth: I have personal experience with one of these things. There are still attached at the umbilical cord to their mothers. They do not have the ability to function in society, and so they come here. The deceivingly open and welcoming arms of art school make people think that if they are socially retarded, this school will help them build a future. Sadly, this is not the case. They all find each other and make a little group, where they sit around and talk about their lives, and how they just wanna be different. Well, with no social skills to speak of there is no real future for any of these creatures, and they are without a doubt the saddest characters in art school.
THE GRATEFUL DEAD HIPPIE:
How to spot: Tie dye shirts, baggie patchwork pants, dreadlocks, and they usually smell like opium.
Drink of Choice: Anything natural, deer urine, and bong water.
Career options: Head shops, piercings parlors.
In Depth: These are the oldest of the art school characters, and they represent the foundation. These are usually the people that walk around with a bong attached to their heads, or a pipe in their pockets. They are vegan, and their favorite food usually is puffy Cheetos, or funions. These are the worst to be around because they attract the most attention. Those who know me are probably asking why I would think attracting attention is a bad thing? Well, there is attention, and then there is attention from the cops. Grateful Dead Hippies are always holding something, thus making them not the best people to be around with the cops show up.
Last but not least
THE TRUST FUND ASSHOLE:
How to spot: They will be wearing new clothes from Express, New York Company, and whatever purse or manbag they are carrying with be real. No Chinese fakes on their arms.
Drink of choice: fruity martini's, Amstel light, and mojito's.
Career Options: Daddy's business.
In Depth: These are the biggest assholes of them all. They make everyone else feel like a broke ass because they have the ability to go out and shop every single day, and the rest of us are on a budget. They are extremely judgemental, and quick to put people in their place. Rarely do they date, or associate with those that are outside their class, and these are the ones that whenever they fail a class and they can't blow their teacher into a passing grade, they call mommy and daddy. They are here simply to waste time until they can get married or until daddy fires someone at the office and they can have a job.
If you are ever to come across one of these characters, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC, simply shoot them in the head, or pummel them with rocks. Or if you prefer the non-violent route, just scream "I HATE AMANDA PALMER!!!!" and then they will go away.
Best wishes
-SR
