Many of you who know me personally or follow me on facebook/twitter are aware that I am on a journey to find myself and find my zen. Everyone else in this world seems to have a happy place where their minds go to when they get depressed or when the shit hits the fan. I've never really been able to find that. I've never had a happy place.
My life has taken several serious downturns in the past year, and through them all, I have been agitated, irritated, exhausted, and down right miserable. As to be expected. However, I recently found myself unable to come out of the misery, so I began this particular journey. While doing some serious self examination I realized that I am physically able to calm myself, physically able to get the pain out of my mind, but not independently. It requires a xanax, or a glass of wine, a pack of cigs, or a snot bubbling cry session with a friend. Some people think that its normal and its ok to require help to pull you out of a slump. I however want to be able to do it myself. I want to be able to count to ten, and be 100% relaxed. Be calm and collected and be able to look at my problems with a clear mind, and find a clear solution.
In speaking with a highly regarded Monk in my community named Ashiri, he simply said I was crazy. To quote him exactly, "you are far to young to understand pain, suffering, and solutions to these problems, stop worrying and just survive."
To this I responded with. No, I don't want to just survive. Happiness exists for a reason, and I want a happy life. He then proceeded to tell me that to find that calm, cool, and collected state of mind I would have to achieve self-actualization, something that takes decades for even the most grounded and sound minds to achieve.
I've always loved a good challenge.
Ashiri made it very clear that the road to zen and self-actualization is a long one, and he suggested that I start with small, simple exercises. Carry a small journal with me everyday and write down what I'm feeling at my happiest point of the day, and what I'm feeling at my most miserable point. In addition, on a regular basis, as a grow and mature, get into a deep state of meditation and judge myself. Relax, and then sit in front of the mirror, and pick out ten pros and ten cons about myself.
I left Ashiri and headed home to try both of these things out. I found an old journal, one I originally planned on using for autographs from various idols, but was primarily collecting dust on my bookcase. Beautifully enough, the journal has the autograph of Arun Gandhi.
First- my happiest point of this past Tuesday- didgeridoo lessons with Ally.
Second- my worst point of this past Tuesday-scaring myself half to death for an exam that was only ten simple questions.
Moving onto my second exercise, I put myself into a very relaxed state of meditation, sat in front on my vanity mirror and judged myself. Not too harshly, and not to leniently.
I am loud.
I am intelligent and well spoken.
I am young and naive.
I am willing to do anything for those I love.
I am hyperactive. All the time.
I am ambitious.
I am obnoxious.
I am an artist.
I am a control freak and I read to much into things.
I am beautiful and sexy just the way I am.
I am unable to understand human emotion.
I am one seriously funny mother fucker.
I am angry.
I am very, very driven to succeed.
I am irritated by people.
I am a born performer, and I will always be able to get a crowds attention.
I am emotionally immature.
I am well traveled and versed in the ways of the world.
I am scared.
I am growing.
With these two exercises, I found myself having real feelings of self-respect and self appreciation for the first time. Even though I am growing and evolving as a person every single day, this is who I am right now, and I like who I am. Finally I'm happy with who I am.
